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Friday, July 29, 2005

skipped school today.
did home study.
am so proud of myself.
((((( :
hahahaha.
woke up at 9 plus.
practise amaths.
later had tuition for physics.
will have another round of tuition in the evening.
sigh. i will mug hard. i will not allow my mum to despise me.

she saw my chem paper yesterday accidentally.
she was infuriated please.
she expects me to pass this small class test.-quotes.
but wtfh. i am not perfect.
you can't possibly expect me to pass everything with flying colours.
i am human. i make errors, just like anyone else do.
i don't know what she expects from me sometimes.
when i study, she thinks i am not. when i don't study, she goes around bitching.
then what more does she want from me?
i have given my best. try to produce the best results to make her proud.
but when i don't do well, all i get from her is she saying i don't try hard enough, i didn't study, i make excuses saying the paper is tough.
and when i do well, she expects more from me, she says i could have done better.
so what else more can i do? whatever i do is never enough.
as least never enough for her. i don't feel happy with my life right now.
everything is going wrong at this moment.
i feel so stupid. i can't do pure science for nuts.
then why did i even choose the subjects?
why did i even try so hard to please her when i know she will not care anyway?
and when i tell people how stressed out i feel about taking pure sciences,
i just get this curt reply. "i told you so."
i am really struggling with trying to please my mother and being myself.
she just don't know how i feel, don't understand what i want.
what more does she expects from me?
must i get full marks for every exams before she finally feel happy.
must i go to space and bring back venus before she feels proud?
but deep in my heart, i know,
she will never be happy no matter how well i do.
she will always overlook the effort that i put in, and instead look at the results.
it doesn't matter how hard i try, because at the every end. the results is what it counts. and to her, it is never enough. she wants more. period.

i feel so f-up larhh.
sigh.
off i go for mugging again.
my day is made up of muggings.
science and amaths, amaths and science.
at this rate, i am going bonkers.